I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
