its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
