Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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