i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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