I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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