I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
