I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I just cut my nipple shaving
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
