My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
