fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize