Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
