i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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