some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
