how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
