he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
