i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Randomize
