The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Come on in and take your pants off
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