i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize