she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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