Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
