I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Apparently you make a good broom.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I seem to have left my pride at pride
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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