So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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