Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
