Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
