Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize