Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
the day after is always just damage control
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
