What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
