Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
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