Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
