I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
