3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm just crazy horny about you
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
