sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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