I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
