The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
