the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I just had sex on a roof
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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