Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
