I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
