just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
