return my video game
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
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