Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
