My nipple is on Facebook.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
