I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
