I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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