you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
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