just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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