we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
