drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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