For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
