i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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