You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
what day is it and did you see me today?
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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