then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
