My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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