Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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