If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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