Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I need water and some morals
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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