wrigley field is MILF paradise
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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