Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
