Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
