You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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