New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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