If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
