They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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