I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
