btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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