I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I pour the whiskey from now on
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
