Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
