Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
