The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Brb crying the tears of my youth
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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